Before I start, let me caution the parents that may be reading this. Send the children out of the room. What follows is so horrible, so scary that it is not for the faint of heart or for those under the age of twelve. I’ll wait until they are gone...............ok, we can continue.
The Martin family, or to be more accurate, Mikki, Katie and me - Jake is left out of the fun since he is playing football and needs his strength - have embarked on an epic odyssey, though that may be redundant. We have adopted a new diet that promises to bring health, happiness and prosperity to all those who would dare to attempt its rigor. Not wanting to back away from a challenge, we stepped to the plate, ready to take our swing at the fence.
The name of this program is "The Food Lovers Fat Loss Diet". It appears to be a very sensible, reasonable plan that incorporates real food and is based on the concepts of Nutrisystem, with a hint of Richard Simmons’ Deal a Meal utilizing real food we eat on a regular basis. It all sounded good until the first six day detox plan was explained to me. I was incredulous when I heard what was expected of me. At hearing the directions, I was immediately taken back to those days of pledging for a fraternity and the infamous "Hell Week" that every upperclassman looked forward to with sadistic glee. "I have to do what?" was my first reaction, my second being going to my room and brooding for several hours.
After coming out of my room, I reluctantly, and against all reason, acquiesced to the regimen and now find myself in the middle of the second ‘Hell Week’ of my life. What follows is the daily detox plan:
Upon waking, I am immediately, or at least ten minutes after waking, given a glass of water laced with Pysillium husks that has the equivalent fiber rating of a large ball of twine. After ingesting the fiber bomb, I am then administered a glass of water mixed with chlorophyl. For those of you who may not be familiar with chlorophyl and its many uses, let me elucidate. Chlorophyl is touted as an internal deodorant. I can now rest from my concerns that my insides may possibly stink. In addition to its deodorant characteristics, it is also extremely green. When I say extremely green, I am not exaggerating. It is so green that even the Irish refuse to use it. And might I add that everything it comes in contact with is instantly turned green. After the greening and deodorizing of my insides, I am then given a capsule of cascara sagrada that just adds to the truckload of fiber that I have already consumed.
Now for some real food? No! A blender of blue berries, protein powder, banana and apple juice, deceitfully labeled as breakfast, is then chocked down and I am out the door, armed with a field of green fiber and fruit, sitting like a ticking bomb in my gut. What could possibly go wrong with that?
At ten in the morning, I’m allowed a cup of apple juice and at lunch I get another shake with either blueberries or strawberries and protein powder. My afternoon snack consists of a choice of a soup mix of carrots and potatoes thrown into the blender so as to render them unrecognizable both in taste, texture and looks, or a cup of chicken bouillon. The evening meal is a repeat of the morning regimen of fiber, fruit and chlorophyl, and then all we have to look forward to is our evening snack of chicken bouillon or mystery soup. With these two, one has to choose between the needed calories of the mystery soup, or the welcome taste of chicken bouillon, which is devoid of any appreciable calories. So, death by starvation or wanting to die because of a dearth of taste.
As any reasonable, thinking human being would anticipate, the combination of a bushel basket of fiber mixed with fruit may have a significant impact on ones regularity. That thinking human would be more than right, in fact, he would be spot on. Now, those of you who are a bit squeamish or faint of heart, may want to turn away at this part, or at best, avert your eyes. To say there were frequent trips to the bathroom would be a gross understatement, and to add insult to injury, so to speak, the offerings at the porcelain throne were St Patrick’s Day approved. (You can reference the above description of the characteristics of chlorophyl). And to think I only have to endure this for SIX DAYS!!!!
As I write this, I am in the middle of ‘Hell Week’ and it would appear that, with any luck, I’ll survive this ordeal and will make it to the real food part of the program. This initial stage is, as I mentioned, the detox portion of the program and is designed to rid my body of all the toxins I accumulated over the years from the regular food I was eating. I’m not sure how the toxins got into my food, but at least I am now spewing them out of my body at an alarming rate and will, in three days, be toxin free. How many other men can say that?
I am sure this program was initiated by the CIA in or around the confines of Gitmo for the interrogation of terrorist and other miscreants that are housed there. However, all of my phone calls to Langley have not been returned, so we will never really be sure.
Rumor has it that this program was also rejected for use in training by the Navy SEALS as being too rigorous, onerous and just plain mean spirited.
In closing, may I, at this time, give my thanks to all those who have sent their condolences through cards and flowers in sympathy to my plight. They are deeply appreciated. Fiber on, dudes.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Fifty items of gratitude
"And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things." D&C 59:7,21
I have listed fifty items I am grateful for so that if the event I should ever feel as if life is picking on me or dealing me a bad hand, I can look at my list and realize that regardless of my current circumstance, I have been bountifully blessed. Even if one or several of the items on my list have been altered or removed, I still have all the others to be thankful for.
I have to admit that I am a bit chagrined that it took some thought to reach fifty. I had assumed it would be easier than it turned out to be, but a great exercise in having to really think about what I have been given. I have included some brief explanations and some commentary as well. Believe me, it is in no way complete or extensive - each item could be an essay in and of itself - I just wanted to give a brief commentary. I also need to mention that these are not necessarily listed in order of importance.
I would like to offer a challenge to all that read this - compile your own list of fifty items. You will probably use some of the same as I did, which is great, but you will, no doubt, have many that are original to you. Good luck!
The List
1. A loving Heavenly Father
I am blessed to understand the love He has for me and how involved in my life he is.
2. My Savior, Jesus Christ.
Without His atoning sacrifice, I would not be able to return to my Heavenly Father. Jesus is an example I can use in every aspect of my life.
3. Mikki, my wife.
She is my best friend, without whom I would be lost. She is everything to me. My coat from the cold (she’ll understand that reference.)
4. Tyler
5. Zach
6. Katie
7. Jake
(I listed my children separately because they are each, in their own way, a blessing to my life.)
8. My Mother
She brought me into the world, sacrificed continually for me as I was growing up, and continues to love me.
9. The promise of an Eternal family
I can be with my family forever. What a blessing that is!
10. Freedom.
Freedom allows me to enjoy all the rest of what I have.
11. Life
Just the blessing of being alive. That is, indeed, a great gift.
12. Love
13. Prayer
14. Sight
To see the beauty around me.
15. Hearing
16. Intellect
I have a mind that enables me to understand the world, to earn a living and to interact with others.
17. Speech
18. Smell
I smell good? :)
19. Mobility
I can walk, run, use stairs, etc.
20. Extended Family
21. Health
22. The Plan of Salvation
The plan that Father in Heaven gave me to allow me to return to Him someday with my family.
23. Friends.
24. A home
A place of safety from the world, a refuge from the storm.
25. Scriptures
26. Church
27. Modern Revelation
28. The United States Constitution
29. Beauty in all forms.
30. Music
31. A sense of humor
32. My talents
(Yes, it is plural)
33. Nature
34. Food and water
35. Memories
These seem to be fewer as I age.
36. Art
37. Knowledge
38. Heroes (Military, Police, Firemen, etc
39. Upbringing of values
40. Time
41. Modern Medicine
42. Science
43. Leaders
44. Employment
45. Safety
46. Technology
47. Business opportunities
48. Great books
49. Recreation
50. Transportation
So, there it is, my list of fifty things that I am grateful for. Let me know what you think of it and some of the things you would have had on your list.
I have listed fifty items I am grateful for so that if the event I should ever feel as if life is picking on me or dealing me a bad hand, I can look at my list and realize that regardless of my current circumstance, I have been bountifully blessed. Even if one or several of the items on my list have been altered or removed, I still have all the others to be thankful for.
I have to admit that I am a bit chagrined that it took some thought to reach fifty. I had assumed it would be easier than it turned out to be, but a great exercise in having to really think about what I have been given. I have included some brief explanations and some commentary as well. Believe me, it is in no way complete or extensive - each item could be an essay in and of itself - I just wanted to give a brief commentary. I also need to mention that these are not necessarily listed in order of importance.
I would like to offer a challenge to all that read this - compile your own list of fifty items. You will probably use some of the same as I did, which is great, but you will, no doubt, have many that are original to you. Good luck!
The List
1. A loving Heavenly Father
I am blessed to understand the love He has for me and how involved in my life he is.
2. My Savior, Jesus Christ.
Without His atoning sacrifice, I would not be able to return to my Heavenly Father. Jesus is an example I can use in every aspect of my life.
3. Mikki, my wife.
She is my best friend, without whom I would be lost. She is everything to me. My coat from the cold (she’ll understand that reference.)
4. Tyler
5. Zach
6. Katie
7. Jake
(I listed my children separately because they are each, in their own way, a blessing to my life.)
8. My Mother
She brought me into the world, sacrificed continually for me as I was growing up, and continues to love me.
9. The promise of an Eternal family
I can be with my family forever. What a blessing that is!
10. Freedom.
Freedom allows me to enjoy all the rest of what I have.
11. Life
Just the blessing of being alive. That is, indeed, a great gift.
12. Love
13. Prayer
14. Sight
To see the beauty around me.
15. Hearing
16. Intellect
I have a mind that enables me to understand the world, to earn a living and to interact with others.
17. Speech
18. Smell
I smell good? :)
19. Mobility
I can walk, run, use stairs, etc.
20. Extended Family
21. Health
22. The Plan of Salvation
The plan that Father in Heaven gave me to allow me to return to Him someday with my family.
23. Friends.
24. A home
A place of safety from the world, a refuge from the storm.
25. Scriptures
26. Church
27. Modern Revelation
28. The United States Constitution
29. Beauty in all forms.
30. Music
31. A sense of humor
32. My talents
(Yes, it is plural)
33. Nature
34. Food and water
35. Memories
These seem to be fewer as I age.
36. Art
37. Knowledge
38. Heroes (Military, Police, Firemen, etc
39. Upbringing of values
40. Time
41. Modern Medicine
42. Science
43. Leaders
44. Employment
45. Safety
46. Technology
47. Business opportunities
48. Great books
49. Recreation
50. Transportation
So, there it is, my list of fifty things that I am grateful for. Let me know what you think of it and some of the things you would have had on your list.
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