Winter Rant II

Alright, I know I’ve covered this subject before (see December 8, 2008 - "Snow and Other Swear Words"), but a subject so onerous requires yet another rant. I am compelled, in fact, to comment further upon this season of discontent, this season that even the jaws of Hell pale in comparison. What went wrong in the creation of this world that allowed Winter? Oh, I know the argument - without Winter, we would not enjoy the other seasons. It is an analogy of life, without the heartache and sorrow, we would not appreciate the happiness and joy. Well, in the case of seasons, I’d be content with not enjoying Spring, Summer and Fall as much if I could just do away with the Winter. I’ll hold back on the enjoyment, how’s that? Here’s the deal, Winter is eliminated and I’ll promise to not like Spring, Summer, and Fall as much. That should work, don’t you think? Great, where do I sign up?

So, what makes Winter so bad, you ask. Well, let me count the ways. First, the roads. Anyone who has slid off the road into the ditch can tell you that the fun of Winter fades quickly as you see yourself rushing head long into a snow bank, trying to maneuver between a power pole and a sign post. And who hasn’t enjoyed the adrenalin rush of hitting the brakes at a red light only to discover they are accelerating? What’s even more fun is if there are a few cars already stopped at the light. By the way, it is a proven fact that it is impossible to remove the smile from the owners of tow companies until well after the 4th of July! In addition, who doesn’t love standing in sub zero weather scraping inch thick ice off the windshield. Sorry, did I say scraping? I meant chipping, prying, blasting, kicking, burning. By the way, a weed burner torch is not a good idea. You’ll have to trust me on that. $1500 for a new paint job is hardly worth the savings in effort and time.

And how can we leave the rant against Winter without mentioning white. Ah yes, white and its many shades and hues. Every stinking thing is white, or grey or whitish grey or greyish white, or white turning grey, or some shade in between those two. Gack!!! I’m so sick of white I could scream!!!! When I’m in charge, I’m going to have a variety of colors for snow, depending on temperature - the warmer, the closer to red, cooler will be on the blue/violet side. It will snow rainbows. Yeah, that’s the ticket, rainbow snow. Just imagine the snowmen. ( I could write an entire post on rainbow snowmen, but I don’t want to offend the San Francisco contingent.)

Don’t think I’m not going to mention the temperature during this rant. How could I? Winter would not be complete if, when we step outside, the moisture in our noses didn’t freeze solid. I mean, after all, in what other season can we say we haven’t felt our feet for weeks?
A few weeks ago, we had a blizzard. For those of you who don’t know what a blizzard is - how lucky can you be!? Anyway, a blizzard is where you shovel the same snow out of your driveway several times. And, if you think you are going to outsmart it by throwing the snow down wind -ha! Just wait a short time, and the wind will turn around and blow it back so that you can shovel that snow again in the opposite direction. You don’t win with blizzards!

And, when the snow starts to melt and you begin celebrating, the weather turns cold and turns all the melted snow -read water - into ice. Then, we get to enjoy the semi-flips, half somersaults, unscripted break dancing, prat falls associated with ice under a thin layer of snow. And these are just a few of my favorite things - tra, la, la.

And so, dear reader, that is just a bit of what I’m feeling about Winter. The rest of it is unprintable amongst mixed company. And that is all I’m going to say about that. For now.